easy to say, harder to feel
by alice in a coma
Summary: /"You are finally home," Eli says. It sounds wrong to Ziva's ears, but she smiles as best as she can manage./ After the season 5 finale, Ziva returns to Israel. One-shot. Team-love but also a little Tiva.


**A/N: Set after the Season 5 finale. Because, well, Ziva's my favorite, and I just really have always wondered how she would feel to go back to Israel. Enjoy and review!**

--

_And I know it's easy to say,  
But it's harder to feel this way.  
I miss you more than I should,  
Than I thought I could.  
Can't get my mind off of you.  
~"The Fear You Won't Fall" by Joshua Radin  
_

--

She used to dream of Israel—of running through the barren lands with Tali at her side as they played pirates and spies and doctors. At night, she used to imagine herself there again, the air wonderfully sticky against her skin, the wind blowing her hair. She swore she could hear Ari laugh as she fell out of a tree.

Living in Washington was a necessary evil: it was cold and the people were much different than her people, but she grounded herself there because all she remembered in Israel was Ari, everywhere. He was someone she needed to forget.

Besides, she never disobeys an order.

Orders are what keep her alive. Like Gibbs and his coffee, Ducky and his stories, Abby and her Caff-Pow!, Tony and his movies…

Swearing softly in Hebrew, Ziva shakes her head, mentally Gibbs-slapping herself. She is thinking about them again. It is a habit she must quickly break. She cannot live her life forever in want of them.

Forever.

It is strange concept, one she has never given much thought to before. She has never had much reason. Her life is, after all, not one made up of forever's but never's and almost's.

(_She'll never have children.)_

_(She almost died. Over and over and over…)_

There is a part of her heart that hurts to know that her first—and perhaps only—forever is one of heartache. She would not admit it yesterday, and she will never say it out loud, but she knows somewhere in the heart she has only begun to find that there will _forever_ be a part of her that stays in that little bullpen, even when her teammates are long gone.

She wonders if they are thinking of her as she is thinking of them.

Abby will be, of course. She will be in her lab, sitting in the corner, a forgotten Caff-Pow! on the table. Or perhaps she will be pacing back and forth, debating ways to bring them all back safely. (Ziva finds herself wishing she could hug the goth one more time.)

Ducky will be talking to his bodies, as always, though it may be a little more disheartened than usual. He will speak of the great adventures they have had over the past three years. Palmer will be listening intently, as always.

McGee will be packing up, tossing everything haphazardly into a cardboard box. He will pause when he finds a picture of them together, a spontaneous one, maybe, of them laughing. He will smile and put it away with the rest.

Gibbs will be silent. He will seem unfazed. Very few will know otherwise.

Tony will be travelling by now. He will, perhaps, already be out at sea. Ziva doesn't like the thought of him so far away, though, so she closes her eyes and tries again to forget.

Forgetting is always the hardest part.

"_Saying goodbye is supposed to be the hardest, Zee-vah. You're mixing up you're idiosyncrasies again,_" she can hear in her head. She can see McGee rolling his eyes, and Tony's ever-present smirk.

"I'm surprised you even know that word, Tony." Ziva doesn't realize she's said it out loud until she sees an old man across the isle of the plane staring at her nervously. She smiles at him, thinking:

_See what you've done, Tony?_

"_Me? You're the one who wasn't paying attention, sweet cheeks."_

_You are extremely annoying._

"_Goood comeback, Zee. I'll make sure to store that one away for future use."_

_A paperclip, DiNozzo. A paperclip._

"_Ah…right."_

"The flight will land in approximately five minutes. Please be sure to have your seat belts buckled properly," a flight attendant comes over the intercom in Hebrew, interrupting the conversation in Ziva's head. Tony fades slowly until all that is left is his smirk—like the Cheshire Cat—and then that's gone too.

She misses it instantly, and if she's honest with herself, she thinks it's a testament to her just missing him.

--

She is escorted directly to her father's house because that's where she'll be staying until she is assigned a new mission. She wonders briefly when that will be.

It seems to matter a whole lot less now than it did three years ago.

She's not entirely sure what that means.

Eli David is not home, and her mother died years ago, so for hours and hours it is simply she and that huge house, and Ziva drifts around it, her footing uncertain, like a newly blind woman.

Her teammates appear everywhere around her: Abby comes rushing around every corner, arms outstretched, and McGee follows after her; Ducky and Palmer stand on her right and left, like ghost-guides; Tony appears out of nowhere, playing with her hair and calling her names he probably shouldn't; Gibbs just stands there, hiding his smile in his coffee.

She longs and laughs and feels free for a moment.

It all disappears when another officer comes to take her to Mossad headquarters. Riding in the back of the car, her friends disappear one by one.

It occurs to Ziva then and there that she is alone.

That's when she realizes that, for the first time in her life, she had managed to find a place she _wasn't_ alone.

She clutches at her necklace like the life source it has always been to her.

It doesn't help much; her real life source is miles and miles away.

--

Her father's office is clean as usual. He is talking on the phone and barely glances at her as she enters.

Ziva is used to it; he has been ignoring her since her birth.

"_Take care of yourself,_" Gibbs had told her as he'd seen her off. It hadn't been a goodbye, but Ziva responded with, "_Shalom," _anyway.

But now, standing there, she thinks of hearts and bourbon and pigtails. Of fake sex and guns that _don't_ smell like destruction but salvation. Of mentors and redheads and Tony's scent on her skin.

She doesn't quite understand how those things can be so far away and yet envelope her so completely.

She can feel every inch of her body aching, and she wishes for a moment that she could defy Vance and her father and rush back to Washington with nothing but her love and her loyalty, but to do that would take guts. Ziva can shoot a man dead without flinching, but somehow she doesn't have the guts to choose her own way in life.

She has always been sure of herself. Now, she doesn't know what to feel.

As she waits, she thinks of her cell phone in her pocket. She pulls it out and debates calling someone. Anyone.

(Or just Tony. It'd be nice to hear his voice.)

She doesn't.

When her father finally hangs up the phone, he stands and smiles at his daughter—his only living child—and opens his arms to her. Dutifully, she embraces him.

"You are finally home," Eli says. It sounds wrong to Ziva's ears, but she smiles as best as she can manage.

In her head, she hears McGee asking her to call and Abby sobbing over her departure. Closing her eyes, she can imagine her father's embrace is that of her partner's.

"_Don't forget about me, sweet cheeks." _It was all Tony had asked of her as he held her—the only time she was sure he would ever do so.

She hadn't been brave enough to tell him that she couldn't if she tried.

Her father thinks she is home. She thinks a part of her will always be missing.

She's not exactly sure who's right.


End file.
